Your Perfect Life Begins with a No!

Aug 7

5 min read

Updated: Sep 17

It seems counterintuitive to believe anything positive could begin with a negative. I had no idea that the beginning of a life that fit me perfectly would stem from a difficult, but HONEST, decision. That first NO marked a departure from a long practice of taking on any work that came my way.

The Importance of a No

In 1993, Claudia Shear wrote and performed a play called, "Blown Sideways through Life." It was an exploration of her life through 64 jobs she had held. An informal list of the work I have done in my life would rival Shear's.

My fourth significant work-life reinvention found me teaching ESL in a community college adult education department. My supervisor was a visionary trailblazer. I was lucky to be mentored by her!

Teaching classes regionally, travelling great distances to my students proved worth the effort for the joy the work brought me. I was able to attend far-flung professional conferences and eventually was trusted to mentor other ESL instructors.

The program expanded to include state-sponsored, career skills training. I co-taught a CNA class with a nurse, and a culinary course with a chef. My dear mentor asked if I would be available to co-teach a class in electronics or welding or something like that.

As much as I loved her, and as much as I needed the money, I didn't want to do it.

I wrestled with myself for several days. "You need the money!" "I don't want to!" "But Fearless Leader is asking you!" "I don't WANT to!"

In a big, brave leap of faith, I decided the HONEST answer was, "No."

I turned down the gig.

What Happened Next

Nothing. Nothing happened next. The world didn't end. Lightning didn't strike me dead. I felt relief. I was true to myself. It struck me that if I said no to what I did not want to do, there would be room for the true to take its place.

This realization led me through a series of subsequent choices.

The question became, "Does this feel like a 'want to' or a 'should'?"

The 'no' evolved. The question became, "Does this feel like a 'want to' or a 'should'? The 'should' options sounded like the voices of 'authority.' The feelings of 'should' were fear, resentment, obligation, and people-pleasing. The feelings of 'want to' were curious, interested, and willing. Choosing the 'want to,' even when the 'should' was screaming at me, gave me a sense of safety.

When the No Is Handed Down

Even if I'm in a situation I 'want to' be in (for reasons that make all kinds of sense to me), sometimes the NO comes (seemingly) from the outside. Recently, I was called into a meeting where I was told I was not being recommended for tenure, and my contract was not being renewed.

For three years I had been giving it my all as an instructor of English, Speech, and Theatre at another community college. The job had seemed tailor-made for me. I had been scraping together a living with adjunct teaching and tutoring, so I was excited to accept a full-time position. My husband and I bought a house in the town, sight-unseen, sold up and moved halfway across the continent. We got involved in the community and served on the board of an historic opera house.

After his pronouncement, I looked back at the VP of Academic Affairs and asked if there would be any discussion. The newly installed HR person sitting at the table proclaimed, "The decision is FINAL."

We had just ordered new windows.

Override

Sometimes the 'no' is a tiny little thing that gets buried under a PLAN, an IDEA, or an AGENDA. My plan at that job was to work five years, until I was vested, and then step down. The job was demanding, the students were difficult, I was working (often thankless) long hours, but I loved my colleagues. We loved our house, I often walked to school and home again. On top of teaching five courses, I was responsible for directing a mainstage theatrical production each semester. There was no tech department, there was no shop. I was it. With some regularity, my husband would ask, "Are you sure you can make it to five years?" I would laugh and say I would be glad if I could make it to the end of the week.

At least 18 months prior to that meeting, I saw a card with the image of a fluffy little Victorian dog with a big blue bow around its neck. Gold print read, "Please Make It Stop." Hahahaha! It was hilarious because it was TRUE.

I kept the card but didn't stick it on the fridge or tape it to my computer; I didn't want to jinx the five-year trajectory.

God Knows

My tiny little 'no,' was in there somewhere.

A group of my friends, whenever anyone is fired bursts into applause. The event is celebrated as a demonstration of "God doing for us, what we cannot do for ourselves." We look upon termination as graduation. People outgrow situations. Sometimes, whether a person thinks so or not, HP determines enough is enough. Like a Daddy Long Legs in a bathtub, HP will lift that person out of there and put them somewhere else. While it's being flown somewhere, the Daddy Long Legs thinks the end of the world has come. When it is placed in cool, shady grass, it may be astonished at the wonderful contrast.

Either God is Everything, or God is Nothing

In sobriety, the practice of trusting God can pose a daily, hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute challenge. We nurture conscious contact with a Higher Power for "knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out." Coming to acceptance after a shocking experience might take a long time. Between awareness and acceptance, one has to go through all the grief feelings - denial, bargaining, sadness, and anger - before getting to a place of humility and acceptance.

Over the course of the past three and a half months, I have come to a much better place about losing my job. I am listening to and acting upon the 'want tos' and batting out the 'Nos' at the 'shoulds.' Knowing from long experience that everything works out as long as I stay sober, I have come to believe that for me, God is Everything.

Ahhhh! The Lesson!

Here's the deal though: with any lesson in life, if I don't learn it, I will need to repeat similar situations as many times as it takes. I believe the lesson with my most recent work is learned. That is, most probably the end of that.

The Creation of a Life Worth Living

So, beginning with an honest 'no' to an opportunity I did not want, accepting a position I did want, doing the job, and then getting flown out of there, I am once again at a turning point. At a happy, robust 35 years sober, I believe my Higher Power has rescued me from slippery porcelain and flown me into cool, shady grass. It is a perfect opportunity for me to take the fertile compost of my life and make something of it. Welcome to MinkieLife!